Saturday, 26 April 2014

Those Orphan Moments

You know this.

I am confident of that.
I know this.
But I need to be reminded every day. Actually more frequently than that. I'd say about 4 or 5 times a day. Paul, remind me, what do I need to be reminded of?
I need to be reminded that as long as I am thinking that I won't be happy fill the gaps (the weekend comes, that meeting is behind me, I see her/him again, that awkward chat has been completed, I've bought that book/dress/chocolate cake) I am predicting correctly. I have committed myself to unhappiness until then. But what about all the moments in between? 
I may feel uncomfortable, now, sitting in the present looking at the boring, waiting room moments between now and happiness. I don't want the unpleasant, trudging, unfulfilling, now moments to seep into me, so, I resist them. Recoil away from them like from a bad smell. Holding my breath til a good bit can come along. I distract myself, buy some chocolate, feck about on amazon or facebook ...take your pick.
Here's the bit that surprises me ...every time. There's magic here. It's so not-intuitive that each time I try it, I don't believe it will work.
If I accept the boredom, frustration, angst feelings and welcome them, inhale them and agree with them. "Yes, this is not how I want this moment ...but I accept it, welcome it. I will sit here in the hospital waiting room with it. I will not look out the window to the future-hoped happiness, but will sit here, in this moment. " To the degree that I can embrace this (varies quite a bit - to be honest) to that degree, the tensions, boredom, frustration are relieved.  And I find some measure of peace and presence in the moment. Sometimes,  the new groundedness brings with it a new energy, a kind of simple fullness.
The initial decision feels like deciding to drown, your natural faculties will resist it. Breathe, relax, do it anyway. There are a lot of moments between here and there.
And if you see me, remind me, will you? 

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